What A Difference A Few Hours Makes

The pictures above were all taken on Tuesday. I was feeling great after recently seeing my girlfriends on Sunday and having a blast at a friend’s going away party. My work was going well and I was also looking forward to spending time in the evening with some friends. We went out to Mod Pizza and I had my favorite gluten free and dairy free pizza. Then, we all saw Ingrid Goes West starring Aubrey Plaza (I freaking love her). I was wearing a dress I had been meaning to wear for a long time and I felt very confident in it. 

Move ahead to much later in the evening and I am unable to sleep and bawling my eyes out into nearly a full box of tissues. What was wrong? Well, it all has to do with stress building up that I had not really had a chance to process. 

I spent part of the same afternoon walking the halls at the office in that wonderful dress while trying to talk with the surgeon’s office regarding my surgery. There were people walking by every now and then and I was trying to be discreet about what they were hearing.. eventually I did find a conference room to sort something out with the Surgeon’s office staff. It is was so stressful. If I wasn’t asking the right questions.. they would have royally screwed something up. Thankfully I cleared up the issue and things are back on track. I just wanted to cry right then and there, but of course it was the middle of the work afternoon so I just put on a brave face and went about my day. The dinner and movie were great and I felt a lot better. I came home though to some paperwork I had to fill out for my surgery date to be set in stone. It was a very detailed list of risks, possible permanent damage and of course possible death that I needed to initial and sign to cover the surgeon’s butt in case of a bad outcome. 

It is terrifying. It is not the first time I have been over this list of risks. This has all been carefully considered and discussed multiple times with professional consultation. It was simply time to let the stress of it all out. I am scared. I am horribly scared. I am healthier and happier than I have ever been in my life and I am in a matter of a few short months going to subject myself to something that could alter my life in horrible ways.. and yet.. there is simply no possible way that I will be turning away from this decision. That is why I was crying so hard.. the fact that for me there really is no choice. Knowing that so definitively and with so much conviction just brought back years upon years of pain as I reminded myself why I KNOW this is what I must do. 

As I was weeping, I was crying for my kids in the unlikely event that I am no longer here in 3 months due to possible complications from the surgery.

I was crying for all that my kids had been through as a result of a divorce I did not want.

I was crying for all that I had been through in the past 4 years. I was crying for all of you out there that have faced this same thing or actually HOPE to get to this point someday. I was crying because I knew that on Thursday (now tomorrow) that I need to go for yet another 4 hour electrolysis appointment for surgery prep. This is a repeat appointment and the last one subjected me to 22 shots in my groin area, all so that the electrolysis could proceed quickly and painlessly. That alone is amazingly scary and difficult to prepare for, yet I will get in my car tomorrow and drive myself there and then drive myself home to care for myself when it is complete. 

I am tired. My eyes are still puffy a day later and I want to only rest. I want to curl up next to someone that loves me and just makes all of the pain and stress go away, but I am facing this mostly on my own. Friends and family can try to understand and offer sympathy, but only you out there.. my transgender friends know what this truly feels like.. the voluntary walk toward certain pain and certain torture all for the hope of finally being free to be who we are in mind and fully in body(well as near as we can get). 

So.. please forgive me as I take this moment to share my pain, stress, and my fear, as I let the what-ifs take me out of commission for a brief period. However, I plan to continue to show you all how this pain, this battle, is so worth fighting.. and how the fear can be conquered and the pain can be minimized into non-existence.

I will be okay. I am Ariana Danielle Wojcik and soon my body will finally more properly house my soul. 


p.s. please continue to distribute my earlier post about raising money to help cover the cost of my surgery.. here is the link..