Another Ariana technical term.. “gut wrenching annual internal clock.” Have you ever noticed that every year, the same week/time period of a past emotional trauma can affect your health or outright flood your memories for several days? For me, the worst is early July. I am filled with feelings of anxiety and gut wreching memories from years ago (6 years to be exact).
It was at this time that my marriage was ending even though I did not want it to. The worst part was this was also the time period that we had to break the news to my kids. That particular day remains the most emotionally painful day of my life.
It was followed shortly thereafter by saying goodbye to them knowing for the first time in their lives they would be away from me for far too many days at a time and nothing would ever be the same again.
I get through this period of time each year by finding peace in extra time outside or in a project that challenges me. I still make plans with my friends during this time but find myself sometimes canceling them. 😞 I am sharing all of this here just to make people aware that this is a thing if they have not recognized it before in their own life. Our brains are like associative AI machines.. for me early July is associated with great pain. The first couple of years after this event I would have unexplained night time panic attacks during this time period.
What time of year is it for you? Is it because a loved one died or a marriage ended? How do you cope each year? Has it gotten a little better each year like it has for me?
I wish you all peaceful days and healing thoughts. Far to many of my trans siblings out there know what is like to have to face this kind of pain simply for telling our spouses the truth about who we are.
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